Fear

“Neurotic” and “Type-A” are fun little buzzwords that people use to make themselves look like busy little worker bees who maintain an air of impeccability. The truth is darker. My neurosis often leads to paralyzing fear. I wish I were someone who could dive into a new hobby with zest, ready to stumble until things click. Instead, I freeze on the diving board, unable to process.

I bought a calligraphy book a few weeks back and made an excited Instagram post about how I am finally going to give a long-desired hobby a shot since I want to take back the love of creativity that depression stole from me. What ended up happening is that I collected all the pieces I needed to start practicing and then I put them on a shelf.

I have not made a single stroke in my tracing pad because I am scared to.

You would not believe how many things I have self-sabotaged throughout the years because of my fear of failure. I stick with what I know, things that I am already good at, and quit whenever something becomes too much of a challenge. And it’s not even my conscious choice to quit, I just… shut down. I turn to ice.

Jesus, this sounds stupid to even admit out loud. Like, SomePeopleHaveWarsInTheirCountries.jpeg.

I am sick of living like this. It’s time to put myself out there, it’s time to try. And if that means I mess up along the way, I will try not to hate myself for it.