I don’t know what grey is.

Trigger Warning

This entry was written while in a severely depressed state of mind. Although it is not an accurate reflection of my every day life, it is a view into the negative spiral of feelings that I felt at the time of writing the entry. Depression is a personal, ugly thing, but I feel that experiences must be shared in order to break down the stigma that surrounds the topic.

An anonymous quote popped up on my Twitter timeline tonight and it was like a punch to the gut because it summarized my life in five simple lines.

“I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did.”

I have been trying to keep my most recent surge of depression hidden from the world by withdrawal. I show up to mandatory sorority events but 90% of the time lately, my mind is in a much darker place and it is just my body that is going through the motions.

My school attendance is abysmal because I lack the will to leave the house to socialize, no matter how interesting I may find my classes. On my worst days all I do is sleep, making up for the usual insomnia that goes hand-in-hand with my depression. This cycle repeats itself infinitely, leaving me physically and emotionally vulnerable (and heading toward a terrible place when it comes to academics).

Some days, I have no appetite at all. All I consume is diet soda for the caffeinated sugar high to sustain me through no sleep. Other days I cannot control myself; I eat, and eat, and eat until I feel nothing but sick. At least the sickness of my body matches the sickness in my head?

Nothing has poignance or meaning, everything is bleak and rotting. My hobbies feel pointless. I am not good at anything, why try? I second guess my friendships. Why would anyone want me around? And when I lurk on social media at 4AM, I feel vindicated because I see everyone having fun without me.

As they should.

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